Options

Too many ups and downs in the last three weeks. It's easy to second guess every decision we have made.  I often think there should be someone who gets paid to tell you when you've had enough. Like the referee in a boxing match.  Someone who sees you taking a beating and finally stops the fight because they know you've taken too many shots and you shouldn't get up any more.  


Krysta and I visited Bentley late last night.  I stayed in Augusta all day yesterday waiting on news.  Too many traumas yesterday and I had to feel bad for the hospital staff.  There is nothing open here on Sundays, so everything comes to them and they triage and move.  The emotional highs and lows. Saving some and watching others slip away. Each one different and each one special in its own way.  Care givers, for humans and animals, never get the credit they are due.  

I had gotten home sometime around four or five and I honestly don't remember when the Dr. called.  I had just gotten out of the shower and had a missed call.  I called back and they were calling Krysta simultaneously. We were both on the phone with separate people at the same time.  Supposedly they had drawn straws as to who was going to call us.  I think they have grown quite attached to Bentley. Krysta did most of the talking.  I tuned out about half way through the conversation when it started sounding like a condolence call.  That's not really what it was, but it wasn't much better than that.  Lots of tears followed that conversation.  Krysta and I went down at ten thirty or so to make sure Bentley got his medication which was due at eleven.  He was alert as always, so happy to see us.  He ate some food.  He only eats when we hand feed him now.  I'm not sure if he pulls that with the staff or if he just wants to be spoiled by us.  

This morning I called Dr. Davis and cancelled Bentley's rehabilitation.  He was supposed to start this morning and obviously that's the least of our worries now. Dr. Runnels from AAE called us shortly thereafter and talked us through our remaining options.  The infection is deep in his right leg and has dissolved much of the good tissue.  The concern is that it will compromise the implant, get into his blood stream and/or compromise the density of the bone, or worse, killing him. Getting the infection under control is the most important thing and they are using everything they have to that end.  So, none of the following options even matter until the infection is gone.  

1.  If we want to salvage the leg, he will likely need to see a specialist.  That would mean transport to a new location, extensive surgery, and lengthy inpatient care. We don't see that as an option as we just don't have the resources for it.  We can't guarantee that it would be successful anyway.  

2.  Amputate the right leg.  This would typically be a great option and we knew originally that it could happen.  However, the concern is that his left leg isn't strong enough to support him and that a month from now it could fall apart leaving him with no back legs.  Remember, the left leg was the more damaged of the two and it will be months before it is truly healed.  It's a huge risk and also comes with a fairly high price tag.  I think we could do it, but the rehab and after care could break us should there be any complications.

3.  Quit.  Let him go and say enough is enough.  When you think of cost, quality of life and countless other factors, it's the one reasonable solution.  

That's the conclusion Krysta and I came to this morning.  It was tormenting.  We went to Augusta this morning to say goodbye.  The Dr. was waiting for a decision. When we got there Bentley was completely sedated.  He lifted his head and tried his hardest to stay with us.  He drifted to sleep as we sat with him discussing the options with the Dr. once again.  After going back through the options and asking as many questions as we knew to ask, we communicated our wish to let Bentley go.  The Dr. was very compassionate.  However, he suggested that we give it another day or two and see what the infection does before we made that decision. I think he is hoping that the infection hasn't done as much damage as he thinks it's done and maybe there is a chance the leg can be salvaged without extensive surgery.  Of course, Krysta and I were looking for any way out.....  so we took it. 

Tonight I took the kids to say goodbye. They know that there is a chance that he can survive this but we are also not sugar coating it.  If Krysta and I have to make a difficult decision, it might happen while they are in school and I wanted to make sure they had an opportunity to say goodbye.  As we left tonight, the girls were sobbing and some key staff as well.  It didn't tell the staff the kids were there to say goodbye, but i'm guessing they have seen it before and know what it looks like.   

Bentley enjoyed a full compliment of treats and was hand fed by the girls. His spirits are really good.  Just seeing his personality change when his best kids are around melts my heart.  I can't imagine what he must be thinking.  

Kyla brought Bentley his "favorite pillow".  He used to sleep with her most nights in her bed.  I'm not entirely sure if it's really his favorite, but as we left tonight his head was laying on it.  If nothing else, the scent is familiar and that's got to count for something.  He was always a good sleeper.  

This was my favorite picture of the night.  Kyla holding Bentley and katelyn holding his paw.  This is authentic. Life is precious.  














I'm not sure where any of this is going.  We are holding it together but it's slipping away from us.  I think back to the night he was hit and can't imagine not trying to save him.  If nothing else, the last three weeks with him has been a gift and that's how I'll always see it.  A gift.  A gift from so many loving people.  We are blessed.  it's not always easy to see it that way, but we are blessed.